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December 9th, 2015

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04:14 pm - scattered thoughts
I'm constantly stressed out and I don't even do anything. Maybe if I did things then I would be less stressed. This seems like nonsense and perfect sense at the same time.

Something I think about constantly: I want to write a memoir. Often I think about events in my life in terms of how I would write about it and how it would fit with whatever themes I could stitch together. Obviously, this isn't going to happen. First of all, who would read it? Maybe if I were very lucky, 5 people who know me would get through the whole thing. Why would anyone who didn't know me be interested? It's no longer feasible to be an introverted writer, and, as I understand it, it's almost impossible to get a publishing company interested in your book if you're not already known for something else.

Most importantly, writing is REALLY HARD. I'm always thinking of things I want to write but when I actually try to write stuff it's painfully difficult. Sometimes I spend half an hour composing a medium-length comment on The AV Club. Sometimes I spend 10 minutes searching for the right words for a tweet, and at that point my brain is so fatigued I don't remember what words mean anymore. I've been working on this entry for about an hour so far. I certainly don't think I'm able to write a whole book. (I did manage to write the beginning of the first chapter of my novel about a teenage anthropomorphic cat spy and his magician fox slave. It's not as dumb as it sounds, I swear. Anyway, that was a long time ago.)

Everyone and their talking cat says I shouldn't self-diagnose on the Internet, but lately I've been looking at aphasia. A lot of it sounds familiar, and lately I'm finding it unlikely that the only result of the head injury I had when I was a baby was hearing loss. Then again, it is easy to be convinced that you have symptoms when you read about them. That thing where you're unable to remember what a thing is called so you just call it a thing... don't most people do that? I guess I'm not an expert on what most people are like since I have such a hard time talking to them. It's especially difficult since the person I live with, who is my best friend by default, keeps putting restrictions on what I can say and is easily offended and misconstrues what I say in ways I can't predict.

(I was going to start that paragraph with "Everyone and their cat" but then I remembered I'd just mentioned cats before so it might be unwise not to link them together. Was that the right choice? Did I make the opening sentence too confusing? I have no idea.)

(Oh, I should say something about how I know I should see a doctor, yes, I should totally do that, okay, I'll get around to that some day.)

It's very frustrating to be prevented from expressing yourself, particularly for reasons you don't agree with. That's why white men and Ben Carson keep complaining about how political correctness is destroying the world. It's why people support Donald Trump, and also Ben Carson. Being pent up like that makes you appreciate someone who doesn't appear to play by the dumb rules, and it also messes with your mind so that you think completely fucking moronic things like "political correctness is destroying the world." It's not doing that, it's just making you feel uncomfortable.

To be clear, my thoughts on this issue: First, political correctness is a bad thing. Second, it's not really hurting us much. One thing I like about being a modern American is that it's becoming easier to not be part of the existing power structure. For example, if you're transgender, maybe you no longer constantly want to die. Maybe now you only want to die half the time. That's still horrible, but it's an improvement. Unfortunately, the people who were well served by the system as it was lose their minds if they see even a slight change. Since it's not possible for the movement towards non-shittiness to be 100% perfect and mistake-free, every mistake is seen as proof that the entire thing needs to be shut down.

Sadly, the efforts to convince people to not be horrible are often labeled "political correctness". I'm pretty sure PC mostly died off in the 90s when everyone realized how stifling it was. Some people still cling to it but they're not relevant. Lately it's been brought back to be used solely as an insult. This was somehow so successful that people on the side of not being shitty were now mistakenly defending PC. Even ... is it common to completely lose what you were about to say, or is that aphasia? Anyway, uh... something about shit. Skipping ahead: Whenever PC is treated as a serious issue I see that as a victory for the people who want the world to remain shitty.

Well, that entry only took about 2 hours to write. I use my time so well!
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Mike Doughty - St. Louise Is Listening

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